Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
okay pat passed out under dana's car
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
