oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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