Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
