nut hugger
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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