so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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