Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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