creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
