so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Randomize
