T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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