Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
