Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize