the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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