Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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