i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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