On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
