Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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