She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
