when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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