At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
