omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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