don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
