Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
