Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
