dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
