I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
