I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When are your genitals available?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
