life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
