so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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