but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
