I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I need to sanitize my soul.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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