I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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