i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i drank out of a bidet.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
