OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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