i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
