I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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