Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
