i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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