I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Porn is love you can see.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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