If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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