I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
