I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
