Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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