i barfeds in our rink
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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