I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
