I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
