I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
