I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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