Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
