one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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