Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
