I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
