never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
