when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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