I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
