I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
