Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
