Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
