Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
