And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
