our cab driver is having phone sex.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Houston, we have a blender
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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