It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
