How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
