I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
and she was petting her beer can
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
