You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
