I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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