I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
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