he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
