your parents love me but you hate me
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
