rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I can't turn off my feet"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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